


I Asked the World to Show Me Love

by Kibbers



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confrontations, Conversations about Feelings, Hand Touching, Kissing, M/M, Self-Sacrifice, aftermath of the fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 14:09:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13591713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kibbers/pseuds/Kibbers
Summary: Phillip Carlyle asks the world to show him love. Phineas Taylor Barnum bursts into his life.





	I Asked the World to Show Me Love

“They say you pulled me from the fire,” Phillip said, more into the rubble than to Phineas at his side. It felt safer there, the words destructive even as he said them in a whisper. He felt Phineas tense beside him. Knew he shouldn’t have said anything at all. 

But, it was like the smoke, the way his mind suffocated around the thought of Phineas. Of him sprinting into the fire. Carrying him from the flames. Saving him, again and again. 

Phillip knew, he knew, Phineas’s tendency to throw himself into things that just might kill him. Not suicidal. Just, willing to die for the adrenaline and drama of it all. Phillip knew he wasn’t a special case, but an opportunity for Phineas to test the bonds of life again. Those flames calling to him, the smoke beckoning. Phillip was an excuse. But, what did that make Phillip now they both survived? 

He had thought, before, perhaps he had been something other. Something more, somehow. Someone Phineas couldn’t live without, instead of a way Phineas could prove he deserved to live. Phillip had always gotten what he wanted. He asked the world, show me love, and Phineas had arrived. 

But, if that were the case, Phineas would have come to the hospital to visit. To make sure he survived after the big rescue. Anne had come. Lettie. Even W.D., though he was more a product of Anne’s tethering than genuine concern. Regardless, they all had come. Held his hand. Talked to him as he slept. Laughed loud enough to cover up the coughing fits. All of them had come. All of them had  _ cared _ . Phineas hadn’t. So, clearly, Phillip had been no more than a headline. 

Phillip was fine with that. Nothing in the world rearranged itself in the aftermath. He just got better. Leaned onto the others more. Began to help them dig through the rubble. Let them talk over the ache in his chest and his silence because of it. Spent a little too much time with alcohol in his hand in a strange mirror image to the version of himself that had existed before Phineas had walked into his life. Phineas had been right all those weeks ago. He’d found happiness in that circus. In that family. In Phineas. 

It hadn’t been right away that Phillip realized how he felt, though on reflection he could see his infatuation begin in that bar when he Barnum came to recruit him. Claim him, really. The way Phineas had been long and loose and lean, vest undone, smirk perpetually on his lips like he knew more about Phillip than Phillip ever would. In a way, he did. He’d pinpointed immediately the fog hanging over Phillip’s old life. Phineas radiated a warmth that had all those heavy things melting away. He was a magic thing, that man. Everything about him grand.

So, Phillip joined in under the disguise of greed. Of wanting part of the profits. But, really, Phineas had him the minute he promised happiness, color, a better life. Had his heart, too. As he spent more time at the circus, with the crew, with Phineas, Phillip had a harder and harder time hiding behind his disguise. Found himself getting attached. Following Phineas with his eyes around backstage. Calling in as many favors as it took to get that smile on Phineas’s face when he told them they’d meet the queen. It wasn’t all for him, he tried to tell himself. He would have done the same if Lettie had asked. But, he wouldn’t have. It was obvious. For Phineas, he’d call in all the favors in the world for that mystical, magical, monster of a man. 

Phillip asked the world to show him family. It showed him the circus. All its people. Then it showed him Phineas leaving them all behind. Left them missing a piece of their home. All of them. But, Phillip more than the rest of them. Only, he kept it silent while the others muttered or ranted or scoffed. While they adapted, Phillip drowned himself silently. Wondered how easily Phineas could leave them all behind, his wife, his daughters, the others. Wondered how he could leave  _ him  _ behind, after all the time they had spent together planning shows, working late. Perhaps it had all been a product of imagination, Phillip supposed now. Perhaps he in his belief of Phineas had created moments out of nothing. Lingering touches. Spare glances. All of it a daydream inspired by the reality Phineas had allowed Phillip to escape. It was obvious that’s all it was. Carriage tracks told the truth Phillip didn’t want to face. 

Phillip asked the world to show him what moving on looked like and it set his lif aflame. His home, his family, everything he had left that hadn’t left him yet. What was the world saying, by trying to burn even that to the ground? 

So be threw himself into the fire. Tried to save everyone even if that excluded himself. He didn’t hesitate to run back inside when he couldn’t find Anne. Maybe the world was just showing him that it could take everything from him and he’d still have to keep on living. 

Phineas showed up. Just in time. He had a knack for timing, they all knew that. Dove into the fire to pull Phillip out. Saved him again, from burning alive. Phillip wasn’t aware of that, though, until Anne mentioned it off-hand one day after he’d woken up. 

“What?” Phillip asked.

“Barnum ran in after you, carried you from the fire after the building collapse. We thought we’d lost you both,” Anne said.

Phillip had run in after Anne because he couldn’t stand to lose someone else. He’d lost his family, though he couldn’t bring himself to regret that. Had lost Phineas. He couldn’t lose Anne too. He was thrown, though, by the idea of Phineas running in after him. World turning off-kilter as he wondered at the implications. He asked the world to show him what that means and his time in the hospital went by. Phineas hadn’t come to visit him. Check on him. The implications got clearer. Heroes could only be heroes if they had someone to save. The someone didn’t matter. Only the saving. 

But, then there he was, Phineas picking through the rubble when Phillip was finally able to help out. The others were missing from the painting, just Phineas with his undone vest, smeared with dirt and looking heavy and heavy and brilliant despite it. It was a painting Phillip could have stared at for hours. Beauty in Rubble. Light Among Darkness. Phineas Barnum. Phillip hadn’t asked the world to show him a masterpiece, and yet here one was in this marvelous man. 

He looked up when Phillip approached, scuffed and torn but grander still in spite of it. As if the landscape, the rubble, begged him to be bigger. To be brighter. To be more. 

Phillip tried not to look at him. Asking instead, “Where is everyone?”

“The bar down the street.”

Phillip nodded, wondering if he’d be able to choke down the questions that seemed to strengthen in Phineas’s presence. Like he was bringing to the surface everything Phillip had worked so hard to press down simply by being there, being close, being stunning and bright and a little broken. He drew Phillip, the real Phillip, to the surface, split him open, made him better. But, this version of Phillip wouldn’t help anyone. Wouldn’t make himself lighter, only lonely. He tried to choke it down. Suffocated while he dug through the rubble beside Barnum. 

“Phillip?” Phineas asked. 

“Hmm?”

“Are you alright?” 

“Mhmm,” Phillip said, trying not to let the words clamoring up his throat to slip out. He gritted his teeth. Refused to look Phineas in the eye. He’d let these words die before they could kill what happiness he could still get from Phineas. From being his friend. Or acquaintance. Or, story. He could be a story. He wouldn’t survive, though, if he became nothing to him. Not for a second. 

“Phillip,” Phineas said, dropping what he had been holding and turning towards him. Staring at the side of his face. “Phillip.”

Phillip was resigned not to respond. Phineas’s voice sounded close to pleading and he was having a hard time not giving in. Giving himself up simply because Phineas asked him to. Tearing down everything in his life just for the way he said Phillip’s name. Oh, he understood the urge to self-destruct that Phineas often leaned into. Understood how much he wanted to give all of himself up to someone else to carry. To toss aside. To, impossibly, love. But, he knew he wouldn’t survive this urge. There was no outcome he could see that ended in applause. 

But, then, Phineas reached out. Brushed Phillip’s burnt hand with his fingers. “Phillip, please.”

It was the softest thing. His voice. That touch. The softest he’d ever seen Phineas. Yeah, he looked. Stared. Let himself take a rattling breath around all the words he wanted to say that sounded far too harsh for the air around them both now. 

He turned to the rubble. Softened his voice as much as he could. Said, “They say you pulled me from the fire.”

Phineas waited for more. Phillip scrambled for what he wanted to say. How he wanted to ruin himself. A playwright should at least destroy everything he loved in style. In eloquence. A tragedy unfolding.

“Why?” Phillip asked. “Why would you do that, with your wife and children standing right there? With everyone you love surrounding you?”

“I had to,” Phineas said. Simple. Easy. Looking at the ground. 

“For the headlines, right? To be a hero, to be something more. It’s alright, you can say it. It’s just the two of us here,” Phillip said. He sat down on the steps, brushing rubble from the concrete as he did. He stared out at the street, covered in soot. Tasted the smoke that lingered over him like the ghost he could have been. 

Phineas moved to sit beside him. Phillip didn’t look up. Knew by the silence that he must have been right. Phineas was only quiet when he was figuring out a way to save face. 

“Phineas, it’s alright. I can be a story to you. I just...need to hear it from you. That that’s why you did it.”

“You are more than a story to me, Phillip Carlyle. I care about you. That’s why I had to run in after you. I couldn’t let you die on me, not while we’ve still got shows to do.”

“Ah,” Phillip said, “it’s for the sake of the show. Charity was right, that show’s the only thing you’ll ever care about.”

“I-”

“You didn’t visit me, Barnum. Not a single time. If you cared, even a little bit, you would have come to make sure I woke up. To make sure I was okay. Kept me company. Talked my ear off about your insane plans while I got my voice back. That’s how I know you didn’t run into that burning museum we call home to drag my body out because you care for me at all. Not even enough to spare a second of your time. I get it. That’s fine. Just, please, please, stop saying my name like you care.”

“I care about you too much, Phillip. That’s why I couldn’t bring myself to come to the hospital. To see you lying there and not do something stupid to get us both thrown out of society even more than we already are. I couldn’t ruin what you have left. I’ve already robbed you of your family, your status, your social life, everything. What place had I, except to make sure I didn’t take your life too?”

“You didn’t start the fire, Phin.”

“I left. You asked me not to and I left. It should have been me in there when the roof collapsed. I know that. I wasn’t going to let you die because of the mistakes I made. So, I had to get you out of there. You are too good to die because I lost sight of who I am. Too brilliant. And I’m the man that sent you to the hospital.  _ I’m _ the one whose touch turns everything I love to rubble.”

“Love?” Phillip asked, a breath more than a whisper. Their hands were close, inches away on the steps between them, and he stared at the way his own pinky twitched towards Phineas’s. But, Phineas was springing up from the steps and moving down them, moving away.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I just couldn’t live with you thinking I didn’t care for you at all.”

“Phineas,” Phillip called. “Phin.”

Phineas continued to move away from the rubble, away from Phillip. Away, away, away. He was a man always leaving, even what he loved. Especially what he loved.

Phillip sprinted after him, catching him by the hand. He couldn’t speak for the way the fire seemed to reignite in his lungs, clogging with smoke remnants he wouldn’t ever shake. He began to wrack with coughs, clinging to Phineas’s hand. Phineas who had been pulling away. Phineas who now was crouched in front of Phillip, rubbing his back, worry stitched between his brows. 

“Phin,” Phillips said, trying to catch his breath. His body would always have parts of that fire inside him. He hoped other parts would cling too, if Phineas was being honest in what he’d said. He could live with smoke, if he could have love too.

“Phillip, are you alright? Let me go get you some water,” Phineas said, and began to pull away.

“No, please, just stay,” Phillip said, coughing quieting to a rasp. 

“Are you crazy? You know you’re not fit to run like that, you just got out of the hospital days ago.”

“You have to stop leaving,” Phillip said, finally able to straighten out. He looked Phineas in the eye, face smeared with soot, eyes tugging himself away from Phillip. Away, away. “Please. Let me say my piece.”

“I thought you’d done that already,” Phineas said, but Phillip could tell he didn’t mean it.

“You said you loved me.”

“So?” Phineas said. He stiffened as he said it, avoided eye contact. 

“You are a fool, Phineas Taylor Barnum,” Phillip said, grinning at him as he frowned, as he looked up from the ground to meet Phillip’s eyes. “You are a fool for thinking I could ever do anything but love you too.”

Phillip asked the world for beauty and Phineas smiles. It was pure magic, the way his face turned into delight before Phillip’s eyes. He kissed him there, hands still interlocked. Kissed him and kissed him.  Never mind the destruction at their backs. Nevermind the audiences they’d have down the line. No, they two were well accustomed to mobs and disaster. But, here, now, they’d be magic. They’d be colorful. There was nothing fake about it, either of them, no act they could put on just then. Just, love. Just the two of them, together and together and together, and unafraid to be. 

Phillip asked the world for many things. Family and friends and beauty, for laughter and hope and love. The world showed him Phineas, and Phillip loved that wonderful, wonderful world for doing just that. 

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoyed reading? Come say hello on Tumblr at KibbersWrites[ here ](https://kibberswrites.tumblr.com/ask) or drop a comment below! This is my first time writing this pair, and probably my only time, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Constructive criticism is okay, but please do it in my inbox on Tumblr instead of in the comments due to their public nature. Thanks!


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